So the year is nearly over - I have no idea where time has gone. Its gone so fast and I haven't done half the things I wanted to do......
There hasn't been too much "Hassle" Activity this year so I am thinking perhaps we could go through 2009 without any interference from "The Hassle" at all!!! Wont hold my breath on it though - expect my internet use to be always followed and hacked into when the chances occur.....

Even though I say it every year I am determined on a new level as to how much will change in my life next year. Things throughout the year are already planned which are some of the biggest events in my life so that's a good start!!! Its just lots of smaller things that need to change.

I am going to be on-line alot less than I do now. On weekdays I log in during my lunch break at work (sometimes naughtily during working hours too!) - then probably 80% of the time I will log on for an hour or more in an evening. If my man is working night shifts I can have the computer on for 4-5hours a night - plus the hour at work!! I am ashamed of myself. So I have decided to log in less and also there are certain websites I will no longer be using as they seem to be a hassle in my life which I do not need in 2009 or ever again.

Its a shame in one particular case that I have had to make the decision to no longer log-in. The website has been a lifeline to me, providing me with support when I am down, helping make some wonderful friendships, providing me with laughs,debates and unlimited knowledge - but due to being wrongly judged, abused and criticised on occasions for what I have written I just don't see how I can go on. If I can't be honest and open then there is no point in being a part of it is there???
I hope I can still keep up with things through the wonderful friends I have made and they have assured me to let me know when the parties are held so I can join in!!!!!!

Staying offline will help me with my paranoia and issues I have with "The Hassle" and it will also give me time to do other things such as keep a clean and tidy house..... You think I am joking?!!!! When I get home I look at the ironing pile and I think to myself....."hmmm...ironing or log-in?.ironing or log-in?.ironing or log-in?" I HATE IRONING!!!!!!! In fact I hate most housework - washing up, cleaning the bathroom, hoovering......most duties I hate! But I do do them.....I just might put them off for a while first!!!!! But I am determined to set a rota and stick to it then it will just be small tasks not mammoth tasks as they seem to turn into! And hopefully owning a dishwasher after the wedding will help us loads.......help us to become even lazier that is!!!

By keeping on top of the housework though it will give me free time at the weekends to do what I / we want to do. See friends, go shopping, take long walks with the dog......loads of things which I aim to do more of next year anyway. For the past few years I have neglected myself big time. I keep trying to change but this time I actually feel mentally ready to sort myself out - I am going to sort it out.....what IT is though is a hell of alot!!!!!

2009 for me is the start of my future. In the coming year a hell of a lot is going to change and a lot that happens will pave the way for the rest of my life. Sounds more dramatic than it is!! But 2009 is going to be one of the most important years of both mine and my wonderful fiance's life and I am so looking forward to the new year starting and to putting this year and many others behind us and shutting the door on all the sh*t in them firmly and locking it forever.......

I suppose it could be coincidence .....but I think I am being "hacked" again.
Past couple of days when signing into my account on social networking site - it signs me out again......It has done this before when I am logged in already. I tested it once myself to see what would happen with the two computers at home...
So it could be coincidence but the way my mind works cos of what has happened in the past I am thinking it is her again...

Why this time?? Surely she must know by now that I put nothing specific in there about anything to do with my and my fiance. No addresses, no telephone numbers, certainly no wedding details!!!! Don't even put too many specifics about what we are up to in life!! so changed my password and don't intend logging in it at home til all my computers are scanned. Stupid huh??

Makes me laugh in two ways - one that I am so paranoid about her stupid ways of intervention that I assume its her - and two as if it is her then Oh My God Woman.....3 years and 6months later......

I wonder how long it will go on for.... 5 years - 10 years - longer????
Sooner or later it has to stop doesn't it?? She must get bored one of these days.....

I am determined to make 2009 the best year so far and to get my arse into gear....so I am practising now!!!

Had heart to hearts with the people who are my best friends - the people who love me for who I am not what I have done. I thanked them for always being there for me - for helping me in my lowest times - for sticking by me whether they thought I was right or wrong - for being the bestest friends I could have.

Although I am in regular contact with them all I will be making efforts to see them all more and I will be doing - already got loads lined up before the end of the year!! Feel alot better about my friendships and in turn myself.

I am finding I can concentrate on other things if I try. I have been doing alot of wedding planning recently and to be honest there isn't a great deal left to do - so I can sit back and wait for the times when I actually have to start paying for things and arranging times etc!

I can't wait for Christmas - mainly for a week off work but also for a week and a bit with my gorgeous fella. For the first time I will be waking up on Christmas day and there will be only me and one other - my fiance!!! Just us - not all day - but for the morning its just us. Then we are going down later in the week to spend time with some family - one of whom has become a very close friend and I can't wait to spend some time with her and her family and see in the New Year together.

See - for the first time in a long time I am looking forward not back.......and it makes me smile!!! I am so excited about the next few months and what I / We have planned and what could happen and what will happen.

To answer a question posed to me today - "How did you see this all panning out?? All playing happy families??"

No - I never imagined when I got with my man that it would be "happy families" - I never imagined it would be plain sailing.....and I don't know how I saw the future - I guess what I saw and hoped for was my relationship growing with my partner and his relationship growing with his child. Perhaps the two would never be combined - perhaps they would - Who knows???? But yes that it what I hoped would happen - but happy families??? Never...

What I NEVER envisaged happening was being the victim of spiteful, vicious, abusive and downright unneccesary harassment for over 2 years. And as I write on here every now and again it does still happen. Well not the abuse as that would mean being arrested and charged - but silly little ways of contact to try and see what is happening like hacking into emails/facebook account/bebo accounts, making phone calls pretending they are calling from home insurance or car insurance, tracing agencies and even sitting outside previous addresses for hours watching the property.......
I never imagined someone would say that they want me to be killed and have thought about doing it - that they think about doing it - that they want to do it. Then having them say that my family should die - that my partner should be killed and how they wish they could do that too........And then having to deal with knowing that this person who wants you dead knows where you work, where you live, what car you drive.....wondering who that is behind you on the road cos they seem to have been following you a bit too long....waking up to hear the phone ringing at 2am and picking it up to a mouthful of vile language and abuse......worrying that if you leave the door unlocked someone might burst in.....never walking out of work alone just in case someone is there.....wondering if today is actually the day that somehow in some way it is your time to be stabbed or hit or crashed into......

Since all this started I have thought to myself and said to others - you can never fully judge someone unless you know what it feels like to be in that situation. And I believe that is true. How on earth can you comment on a situation you have never been in and not know how it feels?? Yes you can offer advice and offer words of comfort and try to help in whatever way you can - but I have never said things to someone where I know it won't help or it shows clearly that I do not understand them or their situation. Why hinder them when they need help??

I have never hidden the truth from anyone - everyone who needs to know knows. Everyone knows that I am with a man who has a child he does not see, and that I got with that man before his child came into this world - that he left his pregnant partner as he felt nothing for her and didn't want to be with her - that he started a relationship with me. Its not the best start to a relationship but you can't help who you fall for - it isn't always ideal.

I know I have issues - I have made mistakes - my partner has made mistakes - he has to live with his and I have to live with mine. But for some reason every now and again I can't and it all comes flooding back into my head and I get down like today - but I know I need to find a way of sorting myself out. And I am trying to do that.

I thank all the people in my life who help me. I thank those who will continue to try and help me. I thank new people who offer me advise and guidance.
But what I do not need is people trying to say things to me that will not help me - will make me worse or confuse me more.

Again?????

So a few weeks back it happened again......this time a letter from a Tracing agency........unbelieveable....
All it was was a piece of paper from a memo pad asking to call....do they think we are stupid and won't check out who they are and what they might want???? We didn't phone and we won't be phoning. The memos will just be filed along with everything else we have received......

I was angry but I don't want to be angry when thinks like this happen AGAIN. I was angry cos I just think "oh my god - are you that sad that you still need to be contacting us?"
I wonder what's happened in ITs life that they have had to stir something up again.....
What we don't understand is what do they want us to do???? Retaliate?? Cause trouble??? Cos that's the thing - not once have we ever responded to anything. Only way we responded was by reporting everything to the police....but since then (due to the fact IT can't contact us directly) then they have had to find other ways to get to us.....
I personally think it boils down to the fact that they don't know where we live....I bet if they did know they'd be over asap checking out where we lived, what kind of house it is - looking through the windows (all stuff done where we were before)

But my darling husband-to-be was worried - worried at what next.......he works funny hours and now its getting dark he will be walking into a pitch black car park to leave work....He said he is worried about whether the next step is someone following us - Sounds extreme doesn't it???? But what if????

x

Happy Birthday

Happy 3rd Birthday little one!!

Wonder what you're up to today.....lots of presents, a birthday cake with candles to blow out, family and friends sharing in your joy, lots of smiles and laughter - maybe even a party.....

Whatever you are doing I hope you are having an amazing birthday.

We have a card for you. Sealed with a kiss and stored with all your other cards. Hope maybe one day you might get to see them....

I wish things were different. I am sure everyone involved wishes things were different, that some things weren't said, that some things weren't done, that some things should have been done.....
But we can't change the past. No point wasting time worrying about things you can't change I suppose....if only it was that easy

I hope one day you can come to even partly understand why what happened happened, why things are like they are now, why we can't send the cards in the post.....

Why would we ever pretend you don't exist?? Photos of you (even though they are old) lookdown on us every single day - from several different walls in our home. I say good morning and good night to you every day. Tell you I love you. Cos I do......

Everyone who knows us knows about you. Why would we hide you??

You may not be IN our lives physically, but you are in our lives mentally, emotionally....in our thoughts, in our hearts every single second of every single day.

Do you ever feel that no matter how hard you try things just will never happen for you????

Maybe I don't try hard enough - maybe thats the problem. I don't compare myself to others as much as I used to - but its hard not to sometimes. I get so peed off that we work so hard and things seem to go wrong for us, or other people seem to do so little but everything falls into their laps for them. (or they just take take take off others/family)

I started to chase a dream but I should've realised it would never be reality shouldn't I?? When does anything ever happen for me? Friends and family said "yeah go for it - you'll achieve it" - but do they just saying that to humour me?? Seems perhaps so. My gorgeous fiance told me it didn't matter what anyone else thought cos he thinks I am good enough and thats all that matters to him. Yes that did bring a tear to my eye......but then I want to cry even more thinking that I may go through life and have no achievements what so ever........nothing.

I need to sort myself out really don't i? - Is it true that positive thinking, positive attitude brings positive things??

Today is a new start!!

Time is running away fast and the big day will be here before we know it - so this time IT'S SERIOUS!!!!!!!!
Last night after a few hours of pampering myself - footspa, faciaI (including steaming!), intensive conditioner on hair, de-fuzz then french manicure on hands and feet!!! - After that I carefully wrote out my intentions for daily exercise regimes and eating plans and I now have to do my best to stick to it - but lets just say today didn't get off to a fab start!! My routine was all put to cock when my other half arrived home from work early. Now normally I wouldn't complain as I feel he works too many hours normally and arriving home 45minutes earlier than usual would delight me - after all it means more cuddling time, but on Day 1 when it was most unexpected I was all in a tizz, so I missed my all important physio exercises and ab crunches. Will just have to do double tonight, I think doing them next to my desk will attract some attention that I probably don't want at work.......

Normally at lunch I surf the net - check my emails, chat/lurk on the forum, check Facebook and get my nosy fix to see what new photos people have added, what people are chatting about, who is friends with who that I might know or what people say they are up to on their status....I tell you, you can find out some stuff this way! I recently found out my cousin had got engaged throughhis brother's Facebook status! 2 weeks later, I wouldn't have been told any other way I don't think. I mean I told my dad and I think he was shocked at how I found out. Although I know I am probably a little too addicted to FB seeing as I have gone through about £15 of credit on my mobile just by checking out Facebook, so now I am not topping up until I need to in 2 weeks time (in order to get my free minutes) Already getting twitchy and its only been 12 hours!!!!! What does that say about my life?!!!!!

Anyway - back to the point. Normally I would spend my entire lunchtime at my desk flicking from one website to another (normally have the sites open in different windows and flick through them depending on how long they are taking to load - and when your company only "unlocks" internet use for two hours from 12pm til 2pm the loading time can take foreeeevvvvveeeerrrrrrrrrrrr......but then again I suppose I AM here to work. But I am getting off the point again!!
From today I am going to leave the office at 1pm, strap on my ankle weights (!) and take myself off for a half hour power walk. Combined with the half hour walks with the dog every morning and evening I should be fitter in no time...... ?????

Off now to eat my Special K breakfast and after my lunchtime walk I have another bowl of Special K to look forward to ..........

Started having the dreams again - weird - I don't know why....... maybe its cos its been brought to my mind again thanks to the CS fucking A. - Those people make my blood boil. I swear part of the job description must be to have a complete lack of mathematical skills as well as being totally dumb. Sometimes I have no idea where they get their figures from......and we have another 15 years of this yet!!!! Soon be sorted I hope. I would love to go in there for a week or so and see how they actually work. I wonder sometimes if they make the figures up and hope that the person wont notice, therefore they get more money in than they should to make up for the twats that don't pay for their kids. Fortunately we check everything to make sure its right.....good job we do otherwise as it stands over next 2 months my other half would have overpaid for £300!!!!!! So how many other Fathers are doing/have done the same??? Hmmm - is there a business opportunity here?? Becoming a CSA advisor for fathers?!!!!!!!!!!

Its just every time I think we are getting somewhere with it all another reminder comes along. The reminders used to be her getting up to her old tricks, but thankfully that's all gone quiet......4 months now. Over a year since the last email and text, but the whole hacking thing and debt recovery thing were 4months ago. Hopefully the girl (and yes I say girl as although she is pushing towards 40 now she acts more like a 14 year old - in fact I think 14 year olds probably have more maturity!) - so yes, hopefully the girl has now got a grip and realised all this shit she kept on doing isn't going to solve anything....in fact it just makes her look like the complete numpty she is...and we have it all in black and white for when we need it.

I honestly don't know where time is going. Two thirds of the way through the year, the wedding approaching fast and still so much to do!!!!! eeek!!!! Feel a bit lost with it all - but there is so much going on in my life at the moment that I never know what to prioritise!!
Got pathetically excited last week after finding out I can definitely change my passport to my married name before the wedding, so the morning after when we jet off on honeymoon I will definitely be Mrs!! - All the plane ticket stubs (that I will keep) will have my new name on!! And the 3 weeks I am away...all can be booked under Mrs!!! woohoo!!!!!! Pathetic to be so excited isn't it????!!! I can't wait to change my name!

Still figuring out if i can get ways of earning more cash (answers on a postcard please!!) Just need to try save loads so we have loads to spend in America!! - Then have some good savings when we get back to start the house redecoration and baby fund (big grin!) - but how to get the money is the big issue - Lottery numbers still haven't come up!! £6.30 win on Euromillions week before last - so covers the next 4 weeks worth of tickets for that!!!..... no payrises available at work, no overtime available at work......do I look for a second job?? do we have anything we can sell?? saved money on all the bills etc wherever we can.... got cashback for switching things over, sticking to budgets for food and personal spending. Don't know what else we can do.....just pray everyday for a windfall from somewhere!!!

anyhoo - suppose I best do some work! Will probably be babbling on here alot more from now on!!!!

x

45 rules of life

I got an email yesterday - supposedly written by Regina Brett of The Plain Dealer, Cleveland, Ohio…….how true that is I am not sure – but I do like the email – 45 lessons of life. I have put in bold my favourites and my comments in Italics!! From now on I will try keep them all in mind as life goes on.


1. Life isn’t fair, but it's still good. And don’t I know it!! There are several things that have happened in my life that I have thought “why?” or “This isn’t fair” – but I do love my life and am very lucky to have what I have.
2. When in doubt, just take the next small step.
3. Life is too short to waste time hating anyone. Its taken me a while to learn this, but its true. I just don’t waste my thoughts on them anymore.
4. Don't take yourself so seriously. No one else does.
5. Pay off your credit cards every month.
6. You don’t have to win every argument. Agree to disagree.
7. Cry with someone. It's more healing than crying alone.
8. It's OK to get angry with God. He can take it. Good Job!! Several times I have asked Him why and got angry at Him for things that have happened. But I know He forgives me for being angry with Him and I know He guides me in life.
9. Save for retirement starting with your first paycheck.
10. When it comes to chocolate, resistance is futile.
11. Make peace with your past so it won’t screw up the present. If only it was that simple. I never asked for it to be like it has been. I have made my peace as far as I can and I know I can move forward. Maybe one day we call all make peace and move on together.
12. It's OK to let your children see you cry
13. Don't compare your life to others'. You have no idea what their journey is all about. I used to do this, but don’t anymore. I do what I want to in life….other people make their own decisions whether they are right or wrong!!! We are extremely happy & proud with our life & how much we have achieved, and know what we want to work towards in the future.
14. If a relationship has to be a secret, you shouldn't be in it.
15. Everything can change in the blink of an eye. But don't worry; God never blinks. Certainly does…..one minute you’re going along then next minure BAM! Something happens which changes life forever – good & bad.
16. Take a deep breath. It calms the mind.
17. Get rid of anything that isn't useful, beautiful or joyful. Wonder what exactly this refers to??!! Suppose its definitely something I need to use over the next few months while I am decluttering our spare bedrooms and loft!!! – But everyone around me in my life are definitely useful, beautiful & joyful….what’s the point of having things in your life that make you sad or bring you down??
18. Whatever doesn't kill you really does make you stronger. Boy is this one true!!! Especially when it comes to my relationship with my fiancé. All that shit we went through for the first year of our relationship….well if we didn’t have true love, weren’t soulmates, weren’t meant to be then it would have “killed” our relationship…..but all the shit actually made us so bloody strong that we know that our relationship will survive anything.
19. It's never too late to have a happy childhood. But the second one is up to you and no one else.
20. When it comes to going after what you love in life, don't take no for an answer. Obviously there are some exceptions to this rule – after all you can’t always have what you want!!! – But I think of it more as follow your dreams, clamber the obstacles put in your way.
21. Burn the candles, use the nice sheets, and wear the fancy lingerie. Don't save it for a special occasion. Today is special.
22. Over prepare, and then go with the flow.
23. Be eccentric now. Don't wait for old age to wear purple.
24. The most important sex organ is the brain.
25. No one is in charge of your happiness, except you. Exactly!! Only I know (well and my fiancé ) knows what makes me happy ☺
26. Frame every so-called disaster with these words: 'In five years, will this matter?'
27. Always choose life.
28. Forgive everyone everything.
29. What other people think of you is none of your business.
30. Time heals almost everything. Give time, time. Sometimes it just takes a lot longer than you think it will.
31. However good or bad a situation is, it will change. I know this in both cases!!! Good turning bad and bad turning good!!!!
32. Your job won't take care of you when you are sick. Your friends will. Stay in touch.
33. Believe in miracles.
34. God loves you because of whom God is, not because of anything you did or didn't do. Safe in the knowledge that God does love me, and He lets me make mistakes and learn from them, and then will guide me in the right direction
35. Don't audit life. Show up and make the most of it now.
36. Growing old beats the alternative--dying young.
37. Your children get only one childhood. Make it memorable. And we intend on making sure that happens. Our children will only be spoilt with love, not material goods, but we will try to make sure they are happy and enjoy their life.
38. All that truly matters in the end is that you loved. I know I love…..I know I love my fiancé, my family, my friends and The Connection. I don’t always get to show it, but I know I love them.
39. Get outside every day. Miracles are waiting everywhere.
40. If we all threw our problems in a pile and saw everyone else’s, we'd grab ours back.
41. Envy is a waste of time. You already have all you need. I am envious of others – I admit that – but then I look around at what I have… my health, my fiancé, my family, my friends, my home and so much more. I have dreams and I know that my dreams can become reality – I just have to work towards them
42. The best is yet to come. Life just keeps getting better!!! Always things coming up to surprise us and its bloody brilliant!!!!
43. No matter how you feel, get up, dress up and show up.
44. Yield.
45. Life isn't tied with a bow, but it's still a gift We have each been blessed with life. Live to its fullest. Live, Love, Laugh and don’t take shit from anyone!

Been quite angry & upset these past 2 days but thanks to the words of someone I am feeling a lot better and realise, as she told me, that there are terribly narrow minded people around and things are never cut and dried like some people seem to think they are.

We all like to think that in certain situations we would act a certain way - but the truth is we cannot honestly say that we would definitely definitely do something.....you can't say you would run into a burning building to rescue someone, you can't say you would fight back if being attacked, you can't say you'd step in if you saw a crime being committed - you can't say that if worst came to worst and your partner hurt you badly that you wouldnt use your child to hurt them.....of course we'd like to all think we'd do the "right" thing - but what we should do and what we actually do are two very different things.

But what is the "right" thing? The "right" thing is not for onlookers to decide, the right thing to do is what you believe is the best for yourself and everyone involved no matter how wrong, or odd others think it is. Its nothing to do with people on the sidelines who offer their opinion. Everyone is entitled to make their own decisions and it hasn't got anything to do with people who have never experienced it, only hear what they want to hear and make very judgemental criticisms. You can't please everyone all of the time, and you will never receive 100% agreement with your decisions in life whatever they may be......but to judge and make snide comments on situations, or "worry" about things that you know nothing about to me is just wrong.

Maybe one day explanations will be asked for, the truth will be told and who knows where it will go from there....maybe that day will never come - but I know that we can always live with the fact that he did what he believed was right....and that to us is all that matters.

I've been so busy recently that I haven't had much time to think about it all on a day to day basis which is great as it means I am making progress - but now I find I am dreaming about it loads. Dreaming about the future and having them in our lives (The Connection) or dreaming about running cos IT is chasing me - more like nightmares really. I have looked up being chased in Dreams Analyse and is said the following:
"Usually, when you experience a dream in which you are being chased, the cause behind it is anxiety, stress, or pressure in your life.......Many people will have reoccurring chase dreams – often being chased by the same type of predator – whenever they feel stressed or anxious about something.........If you are experiencing chase dreams, it is your body’s natural way of telling you to slow down and find ways to alleviate the stress............Try to understand where the points of stress or pressure are and take any actions you can to ease those situations.................Easing your stressful situation or learning to cope with the pressure may help you rid yourself of chase dreams."

Well, easing the stressful situation isn't an option!!!!!!!! Nothing I can do about that - so learning to cope (as I am trying to!) I hope it will work. I suppose perhaps the dreams will stop/lessen in time. I suppose as I am making an effort to not think about it as much it has to have an outlet - so the outlet for now is my dreams.....which I can cope with I suppose - Just frustrating waking up in a sweat at 2am!! I'm normally someone who goes to sleep and doesnt wake up til the alarm!

Got a busy month ahead though and plenty to concentrate on - and starting to do more exercise as well so perhaps thats something else that will help with the stress!! And looking forward to spending some time with the inlaws later this month.

Life is really good - I really appreciate what I have in my life. There is one thing missing - but one day they will be here. Sometimes you just have to wait for them to come to you. In the meantime we keep on smiling, keep on doing what makes us happy, providing a good future for us, for our future children and one day for them......... Always thinking of them and loving them. Noone and nothing can change that and I don't care if people don't believe it or it makes them angry to think I love them - tough - I do love them. I know the truth and I'm not in denial about who stopped it.

I had a terrible dream last night. Was so weird cos I was in a row of houses in the village I used to live in and ended up trying to find refuge in the Vicarage...so weird..... The Hassle was trying to kill me -they had managed to burn me several times but was trying to kill me. My other half and my mum were running after us too trying to make them stop. I have no idea what made me dream this but it really shook me up again which is stupid cos its just a dream - woke up in a sweat and now all morning I have been thinking of it. Stupid I know.

Had a drunken conversation with my fiance after an amazing night out on Saturday. I told him how I wished things could be different and we could have the connection in our lives, and how much I loved the connection and no-one could ever stop me from loving them. He said he couldn't have asked for someone more understanding and more supportive to be with, and how he hoped the connection could one day meet us both and see how much they are loved by the rest of their family. We don't doubt that they are loved or being cared for properly, but it is sad that they are not allowed to have the rest of their family in their life, but they will never know what they are missing cos they have never had it.

I don't think I will ever stop thinking of the whole situation for the rest of my life, but I am definitely progressing in terms of how often I think about it and the way I think about it. I don't think worry as much anymore, although I must admit I am naughty - cos I know things are being looked at I do make comments intentionally......but never untrue comments or nasty comments or anything like that - just stuff about how good life is and stuff - which it is. I can honestly say that right now my life is almost perfect. The one thing missing I can't do anything about - but for now life is very very almost perfect.

xx

As I predicted its another "quiet period" - and I am learning slowly not to anticipate what might happen next. In fact not one of my friends has heard me talk about it at all in the past few weeks - and that's good going. A couple have asked me if there is any updates or anything more happened but I've said no then diverted conversation on. "The Hassle" does not deserve any airtime so to speak - nor does it deserve any space in my thoughts either and I am pleased to say that is getting less and less as the days pass by. Still think of "The Connection" everyday - smile at their photos we have up in our house, tell them good morning. night night and love you everyday. Think that's something I will always do - even if they never get to know or don't believe me if they do find out, nothing and no-one can stop me loving them and thinking of them.

Been so busy recently haven't really had much time to stop and think!! Throwing myself into socialising, having fun, working and the wedding!! Plans coming along nicely and been getting quotes for the honeymoon too which is very exciting!! - just need to get my head round trying to get the funds together.......been trying to get into the MoneySavingExpert forums - jeez some of these people are good!! Just wonder how much I can convince my other half to cut back to save money for the wedding/honeymoon/future family....... - Some of the people just amaze me as to how quickly they manage to pay off their mortgages and get rid of debt, or make money out of the tiniest things...but to me it all seems so time consuming. Cant do anything about our mortgage for another 7 months yet....hoping the term can be reduced but wont hold my breath in the current situation.....but I know it could all change again still.

Slightly off topic there - but that's a good thing! - May have to change the title of my blog once I have learnt to forget IT, but then again, I am pretty sure they will never let go and give up on the hassle.....

Getting away from everything for a day really does make a difference!! - Me and my gorgeous husband-to-be took ourselves away from it all for one night.....had a few drinks and ended up reminiscing about when we first met. He told me he'd been thinking about it all recently cos he was wondering what to include in his speech at the wedding :-D
He said he can still remember how he felt as he looked up and saw me walk through his bar door......he said he'd already let me go once before and he told himself he couldn't let me go this time - he wouldn't.......He has told me before but I never tire of the story!!!!
We talked about life, children, the future, the wedding, the hassle.........its stupid cos when we are at home together, even though we see each other every day we don't tend to open up to each other as much as we do when we go away....(maybe the alcohol has something to do with it too.....) - But when away and relaxed we spend more time on having heart-to-hearts.
Our conclusion was that as much as the hassle continues - we knows its them that has the problem - not us - we can continue with our lives just the way we always have done. The nuisance isn't going to split us up, or cause problems between us, or get in the way......we can just ignore it as much as possible and refer things as they happen to "the file" or the police as we always have done - then forget about it..... The connection to the nuisance - obviously that will never disappear from our hearts and thoughts - we will think about the connection every single day for the rest of our lives (yes - both of us) - but the nuisance - well - like I said before.....its just an irritant.

I'm guessing its going to be another quiet period again - Thankfully...........how long for who knows?
What I have got to learn to do is not wonder "what next?" "when next?" When its been a while I don't think that at all - but when something happens for a week or so I find myself thinking "hmm - so what they gonna do next and will it be soon?" Does wear off though. Its weird to try and explain cos it doesn't bother me bother me.....I mean it doesn't occupy my every thought or get me down to the point of despair or anything like that. Its like when you have a spot and it just irritates you cos its there and you just have to wait for it to disappear - but you know that sometime in the future a spot is likely to rear its very ugly head again - you just can't tell where or when it will be.

Could you sit in your car for a couple of hours?? I mean just sit there - just parked up on a road side on your own - just the radio for company...... If I had a spare few hours to myself, I can't imagine thinking - "I know I'll go for a little drive, park up then just sit there for a couple of hours.....then I'll go home again." Sometimes I sit at work and think of all the things I could be doing instead even to the extent that I would actually prefer to be at home sometimes doing the housework!!!!!! If I had the day off, afternoon off....whatever I certainly wouldnt spend 2 hours parked up outside someone's house in my car........What would go through your mind while you were sat there? What would you hope to achieve by it??

It something I have always wondered in terms of people chasing after celebs. Now as much as I love Robbie Williams I can honestly say that the thought has never crossed my mind to go sit outside his house......but I kind of understand why you'd do it with a celeb - hope to catch a glimpse of them, hope that they see you and decide to speak to you...... but just an average Jo Bloggs....nope - don't get it.

What do I mean....learning to live with the hassle?

.....Some people ask me why I don't do more about it. Believe me - I have tried!!! People have said how can I put up with it? - Easy - I'm in love. If I could turn the clock back what would I change??? Not a single thing.

Instead I have to learn to live with it, ignore it, laugh at it and pretend its never happened/happens.......easier said than done though. I have bored my friends to tears with my stories of it, some of them aren't about anymore, some of them have just made distance between them and me - so here starts my blog.........learning to live with the hassle.

In some respects it makes me smile to think that my life is so interesting to someone else - that someone takes time in their day to think about me, tries to find things out about me, tries to think of ways to hassle me and my other half..........I would love to have time in my day to be able to fit all that in as well!!!!

In other respects it makes me angry - why on earth should they be trying to do this to me? They'll never achieve what they ultimately want - if it was going to happen it'd have happened before now.

Then I feel sorry for them - sorry that they clearly don't have anything else in their life to stop them thinking about me. Is their life so boring that they need to cling onto whats happening or what they think might be happening in mine????