To answer a question posed to me today - "How did you see this all panning out?? All playing happy families??"

No - I never imagined when I got with my man that it would be "happy families" - I never imagined it would be plain sailing.....and I don't know how I saw the future - I guess what I saw and hoped for was my relationship growing with my partner and his relationship growing with his child. Perhaps the two would never be combined - perhaps they would - Who knows???? But yes that it what I hoped would happen - but happy families??? Never...

What I NEVER envisaged happening was being the victim of spiteful, vicious, abusive and downright unneccesary harassment for over 2 years. And as I write on here every now and again it does still happen. Well not the abuse as that would mean being arrested and charged - but silly little ways of contact to try and see what is happening like hacking into emails/facebook account/bebo accounts, making phone calls pretending they are calling from home insurance or car insurance, tracing agencies and even sitting outside previous addresses for hours watching the property.......
I never imagined someone would say that they want me to be killed and have thought about doing it - that they think about doing it - that they want to do it. Then having them say that my family should die - that my partner should be killed and how they wish they could do that too........And then having to deal with knowing that this person who wants you dead knows where you work, where you live, what car you drive.....wondering who that is behind you on the road cos they seem to have been following you a bit too long....waking up to hear the phone ringing at 2am and picking it up to a mouthful of vile language and abuse......worrying that if you leave the door unlocked someone might burst in.....never walking out of work alone just in case someone is there.....wondering if today is actually the day that somehow in some way it is your time to be stabbed or hit or crashed into......

Since all this started I have thought to myself and said to others - you can never fully judge someone unless you know what it feels like to be in that situation. And I believe that is true. How on earth can you comment on a situation you have never been in and not know how it feels?? Yes you can offer advice and offer words of comfort and try to help in whatever way you can - but I have never said things to someone where I know it won't help or it shows clearly that I do not understand them or their situation. Why hinder them when they need help??

I have never hidden the truth from anyone - everyone who needs to know knows. Everyone knows that I am with a man who has a child he does not see, and that I got with that man before his child came into this world - that he left his pregnant partner as he felt nothing for her and didn't want to be with her - that he started a relationship with me. Its not the best start to a relationship but you can't help who you fall for - it isn't always ideal.

I know I have issues - I have made mistakes - my partner has made mistakes - he has to live with his and I have to live with mine. But for some reason every now and again I can't and it all comes flooding back into my head and I get down like today - but I know I need to find a way of sorting myself out. And I am trying to do that.

I thank all the people in my life who help me. I thank those who will continue to try and help me. I thank new people who offer me advise and guidance.
But what I do not need is people trying to say things to me that will not help me - will make me worse or confuse me more.