I had a terrible dream last night. Was so weird cos I was in a row of houses in the village I used to live in and ended up trying to find refuge in the Vicarage...so weird..... The Hassle was trying to kill me -they had managed to burn me several times but was trying to kill me. My other half and my mum were running after us too trying to make them stop. I have no idea what made me dream this but it really shook me up again which is stupid cos its just a dream - woke up in a sweat and now all morning I have been thinking of it. Stupid I know.

Had a drunken conversation with my fiance after an amazing night out on Saturday. I told him how I wished things could be different and we could have the connection in our lives, and how much I loved the connection and no-one could ever stop me from loving them. He said he couldn't have asked for someone more understanding and more supportive to be with, and how he hoped the connection could one day meet us both and see how much they are loved by the rest of their family. We don't doubt that they are loved or being cared for properly, but it is sad that they are not allowed to have the rest of their family in their life, but they will never know what they are missing cos they have never had it.

I don't think I will ever stop thinking of the whole situation for the rest of my life, but I am definitely progressing in terms of how often I think about it and the way I think about it. I don't think worry as much anymore, although I must admit I am naughty - cos I know things are being looked at I do make comments intentionally......but never untrue comments or nasty comments or anything like that - just stuff about how good life is and stuff - which it is. I can honestly say that right now my life is almost perfect. The one thing missing I can't do anything about - but for now life is very very almost perfect.

xx

As I predicted its another "quiet period" - and I am learning slowly not to anticipate what might happen next. In fact not one of my friends has heard me talk about it at all in the past few weeks - and that's good going. A couple have asked me if there is any updates or anything more happened but I've said no then diverted conversation on. "The Hassle" does not deserve any airtime so to speak - nor does it deserve any space in my thoughts either and I am pleased to say that is getting less and less as the days pass by. Still think of "The Connection" everyday - smile at their photos we have up in our house, tell them good morning. night night and love you everyday. Think that's something I will always do - even if they never get to know or don't believe me if they do find out, nothing and no-one can stop me loving them and thinking of them.

Been so busy recently haven't really had much time to stop and think!! Throwing myself into socialising, having fun, working and the wedding!! Plans coming along nicely and been getting quotes for the honeymoon too which is very exciting!! - just need to get my head round trying to get the funds together.......been trying to get into the MoneySavingExpert forums - jeez some of these people are good!! Just wonder how much I can convince my other half to cut back to save money for the wedding/honeymoon/future family....... - Some of the people just amaze me as to how quickly they manage to pay off their mortgages and get rid of debt, or make money out of the tiniest things...but to me it all seems so time consuming. Cant do anything about our mortgage for another 7 months yet....hoping the term can be reduced but wont hold my breath in the current situation.....but I know it could all change again still.

Slightly off topic there - but that's a good thing! - May have to change the title of my blog once I have learnt to forget IT, but then again, I am pretty sure they will never let go and give up on the hassle.....

Getting away from everything for a day really does make a difference!! - Me and my gorgeous husband-to-be took ourselves away from it all for one night.....had a few drinks and ended up reminiscing about when we first met. He told me he'd been thinking about it all recently cos he was wondering what to include in his speech at the wedding :-D
He said he can still remember how he felt as he looked up and saw me walk through his bar door......he said he'd already let me go once before and he told himself he couldn't let me go this time - he wouldn't.......He has told me before but I never tire of the story!!!!
We talked about life, children, the future, the wedding, the hassle.........its stupid cos when we are at home together, even though we see each other every day we don't tend to open up to each other as much as we do when we go away....(maybe the alcohol has something to do with it too.....) - But when away and relaxed we spend more time on having heart-to-hearts.
Our conclusion was that as much as the hassle continues - we knows its them that has the problem - not us - we can continue with our lives just the way we always have done. The nuisance isn't going to split us up, or cause problems between us, or get in the way......we can just ignore it as much as possible and refer things as they happen to "the file" or the police as we always have done - then forget about it..... The connection to the nuisance - obviously that will never disappear from our hearts and thoughts - we will think about the connection every single day for the rest of our lives (yes - both of us) - but the nuisance - well - like I said before.....its just an irritant.