Do you ever feel that no matter how hard you try things just will never happen for you????

Maybe I don't try hard enough - maybe thats the problem. I don't compare myself to others as much as I used to - but its hard not to sometimes. I get so peed off that we work so hard and things seem to go wrong for us, or other people seem to do so little but everything falls into their laps for them. (or they just take take take off others/family)

I started to chase a dream but I should've realised it would never be reality shouldn't I?? When does anything ever happen for me? Friends and family said "yeah go for it - you'll achieve it" - but do they just saying that to humour me?? Seems perhaps so. My gorgeous fiance told me it didn't matter what anyone else thought cos he thinks I am good enough and thats all that matters to him. Yes that did bring a tear to my eye......but then I want to cry even more thinking that I may go through life and have no achievements what so ever........nothing.

I need to sort myself out really don't i? - Is it true that positive thinking, positive attitude brings positive things??

Today is a new start!!

Time is running away fast and the big day will be here before we know it - so this time IT'S SERIOUS!!!!!!!!
Last night after a few hours of pampering myself - footspa, faciaI (including steaming!), intensive conditioner on hair, de-fuzz then french manicure on hands and feet!!! - After that I carefully wrote out my intentions for daily exercise regimes and eating plans and I now have to do my best to stick to it - but lets just say today didn't get off to a fab start!! My routine was all put to cock when my other half arrived home from work early. Now normally I wouldn't complain as I feel he works too many hours normally and arriving home 45minutes earlier than usual would delight me - after all it means more cuddling time, but on Day 1 when it was most unexpected I was all in a tizz, so I missed my all important physio exercises and ab crunches. Will just have to do double tonight, I think doing them next to my desk will attract some attention that I probably don't want at work.......

Normally at lunch I surf the net - check my emails, chat/lurk on the forum, check Facebook and get my nosy fix to see what new photos people have added, what people are chatting about, who is friends with who that I might know or what people say they are up to on their status....I tell you, you can find out some stuff this way! I recently found out my cousin had got engaged throughhis brother's Facebook status! 2 weeks later, I wouldn't have been told any other way I don't think. I mean I told my dad and I think he was shocked at how I found out. Although I know I am probably a little too addicted to FB seeing as I have gone through about £15 of credit on my mobile just by checking out Facebook, so now I am not topping up until I need to in 2 weeks time (in order to get my free minutes) Already getting twitchy and its only been 12 hours!!!!! What does that say about my life?!!!!!

Anyway - back to the point. Normally I would spend my entire lunchtime at my desk flicking from one website to another (normally have the sites open in different windows and flick through them depending on how long they are taking to load - and when your company only "unlocks" internet use for two hours from 12pm til 2pm the loading time can take foreeeevvvvveeeerrrrrrrrrrrr......but then again I suppose I AM here to work. But I am getting off the point again!!
From today I am going to leave the office at 1pm, strap on my ankle weights (!) and take myself off for a half hour power walk. Combined with the half hour walks with the dog every morning and evening I should be fitter in no time...... ?????

Off now to eat my Special K breakfast and after my lunchtime walk I have another bowl of Special K to look forward to ..........

Started having the dreams again - weird - I don't know why....... maybe its cos its been brought to my mind again thanks to the CS fucking A. - Those people make my blood boil. I swear part of the job description must be to have a complete lack of mathematical skills as well as being totally dumb. Sometimes I have no idea where they get their figures from......and we have another 15 years of this yet!!!! Soon be sorted I hope. I would love to go in there for a week or so and see how they actually work. I wonder sometimes if they make the figures up and hope that the person wont notice, therefore they get more money in than they should to make up for the twats that don't pay for their kids. Fortunately we check everything to make sure its right.....good job we do otherwise as it stands over next 2 months my other half would have overpaid for £300!!!!!! So how many other Fathers are doing/have done the same??? Hmmm - is there a business opportunity here?? Becoming a CSA advisor for fathers?!!!!!!!!!!

Its just every time I think we are getting somewhere with it all another reminder comes along. The reminders used to be her getting up to her old tricks, but thankfully that's all gone quiet......4 months now. Over a year since the last email and text, but the whole hacking thing and debt recovery thing were 4months ago. Hopefully the girl (and yes I say girl as although she is pushing towards 40 now she acts more like a 14 year old - in fact I think 14 year olds probably have more maturity!) - so yes, hopefully the girl has now got a grip and realised all this shit she kept on doing isn't going to solve anything....in fact it just makes her look like the complete numpty she is...and we have it all in black and white for when we need it.

I honestly don't know where time is going. Two thirds of the way through the year, the wedding approaching fast and still so much to do!!!!! eeek!!!! Feel a bit lost with it all - but there is so much going on in my life at the moment that I never know what to prioritise!!
Got pathetically excited last week after finding out I can definitely change my passport to my married name before the wedding, so the morning after when we jet off on honeymoon I will definitely be Mrs!! - All the plane ticket stubs (that I will keep) will have my new name on!! And the 3 weeks I am away...all can be booked under Mrs!!! woohoo!!!!!! Pathetic to be so excited isn't it????!!! I can't wait to change my name!

Still figuring out if i can get ways of earning more cash (answers on a postcard please!!) Just need to try save loads so we have loads to spend in America!! - Then have some good savings when we get back to start the house redecoration and baby fund (big grin!) - but how to get the money is the big issue - Lottery numbers still haven't come up!! £6.30 win on Euromillions week before last - so covers the next 4 weeks worth of tickets for that!!!..... no payrises available at work, no overtime available at work......do I look for a second job?? do we have anything we can sell?? saved money on all the bills etc wherever we can.... got cashback for switching things over, sticking to budgets for food and personal spending. Don't know what else we can do.....just pray everyday for a windfall from somewhere!!!

anyhoo - suppose I best do some work! Will probably be babbling on here alot more from now on!!!!

x