Do you ever feel that no matter how hard you try things just will never happen for you????
Maybe I don't try hard enough - maybe thats the problem. I don't compare myself to others as much as I used to - but its hard not to sometimes. I get so peed off that we work so hard and things seem to go wrong for us, or other people seem to do so little but everything falls into their laps for them. (or they just take take take off others/family)
I started to chase a dream but I should've realised it would never be reality shouldn't I?? When does anything ever happen for me? Friends and family said "yeah go for it - you'll achieve it" - but do they just saying that to humour me?? Seems perhaps so. My gorgeous fiance told me it didn't matter what anyone else thought cos he thinks I am good enough and thats all that matters to him. Yes that did bring a tear to my eye......but then I want to cry even more thinking that I may go through life and have no achievements what so ever........nothing.
I need to sort myself out really don't i? - Is it true that positive thinking, positive attitude brings positive things??
Tuesday, 12 August 2008
Monday, 11 August 2008
Today is a new start!!
Time is running away fast and the big day will be here before we know it - so this time IT'S SERIOUS!!!!!!!!
Last night after a few hours of pampering myself - footspa, faciaI (including steaming!), intensive conditioner on hair, de-fuzz then french manicure on hands and feet!!! - After that I carefully wrote out my intentions for daily exercise regimes and eating plans and I now have to do my best to stick to it - but lets just say today didn't get off to a fab start!! My routine was all put to cock when my other half arrived home from work early. Now normally I wouldn't complain as I feel he works too many hours normally and arriving home 45minutes earlier than usual would delight me - after all it means more cuddling time, but on Day 1 when it was most unexpected I was all in a tizz, so I missed my all important physio exercises and ab crunches. Will just have to do double tonight, I think doing them next to my desk will attract some attention that I probably don't want at work.......
Normally at lunch I surf the net - check my emails, chat/lurk on the forum, check Facebook and get my nosy fix to see what new photos people have added, what people are chatting about, who is friends with who that I might know or what people say they are up to on their status....I tell you, you can find out some stuff this way! I recently found out my cousin had got engaged throughhis brother's Facebook status! 2 weeks later, I wouldn't have been told any other way I don't think. I mean I told my dad and I think he was shocked at how I found out. Although I know I am probably a little too addicted to FB seeing as I have gone through about £15 of credit on my mobile just by checking out Facebook, so now I am not topping up until I need to in 2 weeks time (in order to get my free minutes) Already getting twitchy and its only been 12 hours!!!!! What does that say about my life?!!!!!
Anyway - back to the point. Normally I would spend my entire lunchtime at my desk flicking from one website to another (normally have the sites open in different windows and flick through them depending on how long they are taking to load - and when your company only "unlocks" internet use for two hours from 12pm til 2pm the loading time can take foreeeevvvvveeeerrrrrrrrrrrr......but then again I suppose I AM here to work. But I am getting off the point again!!
From today I am going to leave the office at 1pm, strap on my ankle weights (!) and take myself off for a half hour power walk. Combined with the half hour walks with the dog every morning and evening I should be fitter in no time...... ?????
Off now to eat my Special K breakfast and after my lunchtime walk I have another bowl of Special K to look forward to ..........
Time is running away fast and the big day will be here before we know it - so this time IT'S SERIOUS!!!!!!!!
Last night after a few hours of pampering myself - footspa, faciaI (including steaming!), intensive conditioner on hair, de-fuzz then french manicure on hands and feet!!! - After that I carefully wrote out my intentions for daily exercise regimes and eating plans and I now have to do my best to stick to it - but lets just say today didn't get off to a fab start!! My routine was all put to cock when my other half arrived home from work early. Now normally I wouldn't complain as I feel he works too many hours normally and arriving home 45minutes earlier than usual would delight me - after all it means more cuddling time, but on Day 1 when it was most unexpected I was all in a tizz, so I missed my all important physio exercises and ab crunches. Will just have to do double tonight, I think doing them next to my desk will attract some attention that I probably don't want at work.......
Normally at lunch I surf the net - check my emails, chat/lurk on the forum, check Facebook and get my nosy fix to see what new photos people have added, what people are chatting about, who is friends with who that I might know or what people say they are up to on their status....I tell you, you can find out some stuff this way! I recently found out my cousin had got engaged throughhis brother's Facebook status! 2 weeks later, I wouldn't have been told any other way I don't think. I mean I told my dad and I think he was shocked at how I found out. Although I know I am probably a little too addicted to FB seeing as I have gone through about £15 of credit on my mobile just by checking out Facebook, so now I am not topping up until I need to in 2 weeks time (in order to get my free minutes) Already getting twitchy and its only been 12 hours!!!!! What does that say about my life?!!!!!
Anyway - back to the point. Normally I would spend my entire lunchtime at my desk flicking from one website to another (normally have the sites open in different windows and flick through them depending on how long they are taking to load - and when your company only "unlocks" internet use for two hours from 12pm til 2pm the loading time can take foreeeevvvvveeeerrrrrrrrrrrr......but then again I suppose I AM here to work. But I am getting off the point again!!
From today I am going to leave the office at 1pm, strap on my ankle weights (!) and take myself off for a half hour power walk. Combined with the half hour walks with the dog every morning and evening I should be fitter in no time...... ?????
Off now to eat my Special K breakfast and after my lunchtime walk I have another bowl of Special K to look forward to ..........
Monday, 4 August 2008
Started having the dreams again - weird - I don't know why....... maybe its cos its been brought to my mind again thanks to the CS fucking A. - Those people make my blood boil. I swear part of the job description must be to have a complete lack of mathematical skills as well as being totally dumb. Sometimes I have no idea where they get their figures from......and we have another 15 years of this yet!!!! Soon be sorted I hope. I would love to go in there for a week or so and see how they actually work. I wonder sometimes if they make the figures up and hope that the person wont notice, therefore they get more money in than they should to make up for the twats that don't pay for their kids. Fortunately we check everything to make sure its right.....good job we do otherwise as it stands over next 2 months my other half would have overpaid for £300!!!!!! So how many other Fathers are doing/have done the same??? Hmmm - is there a business opportunity here?? Becoming a CSA advisor for fathers?!!!!!!!!!!
Its just every time I think we are getting somewhere with it all another reminder comes along. The reminders used to be her getting up to her old tricks, but thankfully that's all gone quiet......4 months now. Over a year since the last email and text, but the whole hacking thing and debt recovery thing were 4months ago. Hopefully the girl (and yes I say girl as although she is pushing towards 40 now she acts more like a 14 year old - in fact I think 14 year olds probably have more maturity!) - so yes, hopefully the girl has now got a grip and realised all this shit she kept on doing isn't going to solve anything....in fact it just makes her look like the complete numpty she is...and we have it all in black and white for when we need it.
I honestly don't know where time is going. Two thirds of the way through the year, the wedding approaching fast and still so much to do!!!!! eeek!!!! Feel a bit lost with it all - but there is so much going on in my life at the moment that I never know what to prioritise!!
Got pathetically excited last week after finding out I can definitely change my passport to my married name before the wedding, so the morning after when we jet off on honeymoon I will definitely be Mrs!! - All the plane ticket stubs (that I will keep) will have my new name on!! And the 3 weeks I am away...all can be booked under Mrs!!! woohoo!!!!!! Pathetic to be so excited isn't it????!!! I can't wait to change my name!
Still figuring out if i can get ways of earning more cash (answers on a postcard please!!) Just need to try save loads so we have loads to spend in America!! - Then have some good savings when we get back to start the house redecoration and baby fund (big grin!) - but how to get the money is the big issue - Lottery numbers still haven't come up!! £6.30 win on Euromillions week before last - so covers the next 4 weeks worth of tickets for that!!!..... no payrises available at work, no overtime available at work......do I look for a second job?? do we have anything we can sell?? saved money on all the bills etc wherever we can.... got cashback for switching things over, sticking to budgets for food and personal spending. Don't know what else we can do.....just pray everyday for a windfall from somewhere!!!
anyhoo - suppose I best do some work! Will probably be babbling on here alot more from now on!!!!
x
Its just every time I think we are getting somewhere with it all another reminder comes along. The reminders used to be her getting up to her old tricks, but thankfully that's all gone quiet......4 months now. Over a year since the last email and text, but the whole hacking thing and debt recovery thing were 4months ago. Hopefully the girl (and yes I say girl as although she is pushing towards 40 now she acts more like a 14 year old - in fact I think 14 year olds probably have more maturity!) - so yes, hopefully the girl has now got a grip and realised all this shit she kept on doing isn't going to solve anything....in fact it just makes her look like the complete numpty she is...and we have it all in black and white for when we need it.
I honestly don't know where time is going. Two thirds of the way through the year, the wedding approaching fast and still so much to do!!!!! eeek!!!! Feel a bit lost with it all - but there is so much going on in my life at the moment that I never know what to prioritise!!
Got pathetically excited last week after finding out I can definitely change my passport to my married name before the wedding, so the morning after when we jet off on honeymoon I will definitely be Mrs!! - All the plane ticket stubs (that I will keep) will have my new name on!! And the 3 weeks I am away...all can be booked under Mrs!!! woohoo!!!!!! Pathetic to be so excited isn't it????!!! I can't wait to change my name!
Still figuring out if i can get ways of earning more cash (answers on a postcard please!!) Just need to try save loads so we have loads to spend in America!! - Then have some good savings when we get back to start the house redecoration and baby fund (big grin!) - but how to get the money is the big issue - Lottery numbers still haven't come up!! £6.30 win on Euromillions week before last - so covers the next 4 weeks worth of tickets for that!!!..... no payrises available at work, no overtime available at work......do I look for a second job?? do we have anything we can sell?? saved money on all the bills etc wherever we can.... got cashback for switching things over, sticking to budgets for food and personal spending. Don't know what else we can do.....just pray everyday for a windfall from somewhere!!!
anyhoo - suppose I best do some work! Will probably be babbling on here alot more from now on!!!!
x
Wednesday, 9 July 2008
45 rules of life
I got an email yesterday - supposedly written by Regina Brett of The Plain Dealer, Cleveland, Ohio…….how true that is I am not sure – but I do like the email – 45 lessons of life. I have put in bold my favourites and my comments in Italics!! From now on I will try keep them all in mind as life goes on.
1. Life isn’t fair, but it's still good. And don’t I know it!! There are several things that have happened in my life that I have thought “why?” or “This isn’t fair” – but I do love my life and am very lucky to have what I have.
2. When in doubt, just take the next small step.
3. Life is too short to waste time hating anyone. Its taken me a while to learn this, but its true. I just don’t waste my thoughts on them anymore.
4. Don't take yourself so seriously. No one else does.
5. Pay off your credit cards every month.
6. You don’t have to win every argument. Agree to disagree.
7. Cry with someone. It's more healing than crying alone.
8. It's OK to get angry with God. He can take it. Good Job!! Several times I have asked Him why and got angry at Him for things that have happened. But I know He forgives me for being angry with Him and I know He guides me in life.
9. Save for retirement starting with your first paycheck.
10. When it comes to chocolate, resistance is futile.
11. Make peace with your past so it won’t screw up the present. If only it was that simple. I never asked for it to be like it has been. I have made my peace as far as I can and I know I can move forward. Maybe one day we call all make peace and move on together.
12. It's OK to let your children see you cry
13. Don't compare your life to others'. You have no idea what their journey is all about. I used to do this, but don’t anymore. I do what I want to in life….other people make their own decisions whether they are right or wrong!!! We are extremely happy & proud with our life & how much we have achieved, and know what we want to work towards in the future.
14. If a relationship has to be a secret, you shouldn't be in it.
15. Everything can change in the blink of an eye. But don't worry; God never blinks. Certainly does…..one minute you’re going along then next minure BAM! Something happens which changes life forever – good & bad.
16. Take a deep breath. It calms the mind.
17. Get rid of anything that isn't useful, beautiful or joyful. Wonder what exactly this refers to??!! Suppose its definitely something I need to use over the next few months while I am decluttering our spare bedrooms and loft!!! – But everyone around me in my life are definitely useful, beautiful & joyful….what’s the point of having things in your life that make you sad or bring you down??
18. Whatever doesn't kill you really does make you stronger. Boy is this one true!!! Especially when it comes to my relationship with my fiancé. All that shit we went through for the first year of our relationship….well if we didn’t have true love, weren’t soulmates, weren’t meant to be then it would have “killed” our relationship…..but all the shit actually made us so bloody strong that we know that our relationship will survive anything.
19. It's never too late to have a happy childhood. But the second one is up to you and no one else.
20. When it comes to going after what you love in life, don't take no for an answer. Obviously there are some exceptions to this rule – after all you can’t always have what you want!!! – But I think of it more as follow your dreams, clamber the obstacles put in your way.
21. Burn the candles, use the nice sheets, and wear the fancy lingerie. Don't save it for a special occasion. Today is special.
22. Over prepare, and then go with the flow.
23. Be eccentric now. Don't wait for old age to wear purple.
24. The most important sex organ is the brain.
25. No one is in charge of your happiness, except you. Exactly!! Only I know (well and my fiancé ) knows what makes me happy ☺
26. Frame every so-called disaster with these words: 'In five years, will this matter?'
27. Always choose life.
28. Forgive everyone everything.
29. What other people think of you is none of your business.
30. Time heals almost everything. Give time, time. Sometimes it just takes a lot longer than you think it will.
31. However good or bad a situation is, it will change. I know this in both cases!!! Good turning bad and bad turning good!!!!
32. Your job won't take care of you when you are sick. Your friends will. Stay in touch.
33. Believe in miracles.
34. God loves you because of whom God is, not because of anything you did or didn't do. Safe in the knowledge that God does love me, and He lets me make mistakes and learn from them, and then will guide me in the right direction
35. Don't audit life. Show up and make the most of it now.
36. Growing old beats the alternative--dying young.
37. Your children get only one childhood. Make it memorable. And we intend on making sure that happens. Our children will only be spoilt with love, not material goods, but we will try to make sure they are happy and enjoy their life.
38. All that truly matters in the end is that you loved. I know I love…..I know I love my fiancé, my family, my friends and The Connection. I don’t always get to show it, but I know I love them.
39. Get outside every day. Miracles are waiting everywhere.
40. If we all threw our problems in a pile and saw everyone else’s, we'd grab ours back.
41. Envy is a waste of time. You already have all you need. I am envious of others – I admit that – but then I look around at what I have… my health, my fiancé, my family, my friends, my home and so much more. I have dreams and I know that my dreams can become reality – I just have to work towards them
42. The best is yet to come. Life just keeps getting better!!! Always things coming up to surprise us and its bloody brilliant!!!!
43. No matter how you feel, get up, dress up and show up.
44. Yield.
45. Life isn't tied with a bow, but it's still a gift We have each been blessed with life. Live to its fullest. Live, Love, Laugh and don’t take shit from anyone!
1. Life isn’t fair, but it's still good. And don’t I know it!! There are several things that have happened in my life that I have thought “why?” or “This isn’t fair” – but I do love my life and am very lucky to have what I have.
2. When in doubt, just take the next small step.
3. Life is too short to waste time hating anyone. Its taken me a while to learn this, but its true. I just don’t waste my thoughts on them anymore.
4. Don't take yourself so seriously. No one else does.
5. Pay off your credit cards every month.
6. You don’t have to win every argument. Agree to disagree.
7. Cry with someone. It's more healing than crying alone.
8. It's OK to get angry with God. He can take it. Good Job!! Several times I have asked Him why and got angry at Him for things that have happened. But I know He forgives me for being angry with Him and I know He guides me in life.
9. Save for retirement starting with your first paycheck.
10. When it comes to chocolate, resistance is futile.
11. Make peace with your past so it won’t screw up the present. If only it was that simple. I never asked for it to be like it has been. I have made my peace as far as I can and I know I can move forward. Maybe one day we call all make peace and move on together.
12. It's OK to let your children see you cry
13. Don't compare your life to others'. You have no idea what their journey is all about. I used to do this, but don’t anymore. I do what I want to in life….other people make their own decisions whether they are right or wrong!!! We are extremely happy & proud with our life & how much we have achieved, and know what we want to work towards in the future.
14. If a relationship has to be a secret, you shouldn't be in it.
15. Everything can change in the blink of an eye. But don't worry; God never blinks. Certainly does…..one minute you’re going along then next minure BAM! Something happens which changes life forever – good & bad.
16. Take a deep breath. It calms the mind.
17. Get rid of anything that isn't useful, beautiful or joyful. Wonder what exactly this refers to??!! Suppose its definitely something I need to use over the next few months while I am decluttering our spare bedrooms and loft!!! – But everyone around me in my life are definitely useful, beautiful & joyful….what’s the point of having things in your life that make you sad or bring you down??
18. Whatever doesn't kill you really does make you stronger. Boy is this one true!!! Especially when it comes to my relationship with my fiancé. All that shit we went through for the first year of our relationship….well if we didn’t have true love, weren’t soulmates, weren’t meant to be then it would have “killed” our relationship…..but all the shit actually made us so bloody strong that we know that our relationship will survive anything.
19. It's never too late to have a happy childhood. But the second one is up to you and no one else.
20. When it comes to going after what you love in life, don't take no for an answer. Obviously there are some exceptions to this rule – after all you can’t always have what you want!!! – But I think of it more as follow your dreams, clamber the obstacles put in your way.
21. Burn the candles, use the nice sheets, and wear the fancy lingerie. Don't save it for a special occasion. Today is special.
22. Over prepare, and then go with the flow.
23. Be eccentric now. Don't wait for old age to wear purple.
24. The most important sex organ is the brain.
25. No one is in charge of your happiness, except you. Exactly!! Only I know (well and my fiancé ) knows what makes me happy ☺
26. Frame every so-called disaster with these words: 'In five years, will this matter?'
27. Always choose life.
28. Forgive everyone everything.
29. What other people think of you is none of your business.
30. Time heals almost everything. Give time, time. Sometimes it just takes a lot longer than you think it will.
31. However good or bad a situation is, it will change. I know this in both cases!!! Good turning bad and bad turning good!!!!
32. Your job won't take care of you when you are sick. Your friends will. Stay in touch.
33. Believe in miracles.
34. God loves you because of whom God is, not because of anything you did or didn't do. Safe in the knowledge that God does love me, and He lets me make mistakes and learn from them, and then will guide me in the right direction
35. Don't audit life. Show up and make the most of it now.
36. Growing old beats the alternative--dying young.
37. Your children get only one childhood. Make it memorable. And we intend on making sure that happens. Our children will only be spoilt with love, not material goods, but we will try to make sure they are happy and enjoy their life.
38. All that truly matters in the end is that you loved. I know I love…..I know I love my fiancé, my family, my friends and The Connection. I don’t always get to show it, but I know I love them.
39. Get outside every day. Miracles are waiting everywhere.
40. If we all threw our problems in a pile and saw everyone else’s, we'd grab ours back.
41. Envy is a waste of time. You already have all you need. I am envious of others – I admit that – but then I look around at what I have… my health, my fiancé, my family, my friends, my home and so much more. I have dreams and I know that my dreams can become reality – I just have to work towards them
42. The best is yet to come. Life just keeps getting better!!! Always things coming up to surprise us and its bloody brilliant!!!!
43. No matter how you feel, get up, dress up and show up.
44. Yield.
45. Life isn't tied with a bow, but it's still a gift We have each been blessed with life. Live to its fullest. Live, Love, Laugh and don’t take shit from anyone!
Friday, 20 June 2008
Been quite angry & upset these past 2 days but thanks to the words of someone I am feeling a lot better and realise, as she told me, that there are terribly narrow minded people around and things are never cut and dried like some people seem to think they are.
We all like to think that in certain situations we would act a certain way - but the truth is we cannot honestly say that we would definitely definitely do something.....you can't say you would run into a burning building to rescue someone, you can't say you would fight back if being attacked, you can't say you'd step in if you saw a crime being committed - you can't say that if worst came to worst and your partner hurt you badly that you wouldnt use your child to hurt them.....of course we'd like to all think we'd do the "right" thing - but what we should do and what we actually do are two very different things.
But what is the "right" thing? The "right" thing is not for onlookers to decide, the right thing to do is what you believe is the best for yourself and everyone involved no matter how wrong, or odd others think it is. Its nothing to do with people on the sidelines who offer their opinion. Everyone is entitled to make their own decisions and it hasn't got anything to do with people who have never experienced it, only hear what they want to hear and make very judgemental criticisms. You can't please everyone all of the time, and you will never receive 100% agreement with your decisions in life whatever they may be......but to judge and make snide comments on situations, or "worry" about things that you know nothing about to me is just wrong.
Maybe one day explanations will be asked for, the truth will be told and who knows where it will go from there....maybe that day will never come - but I know that we can always live with the fact that he did what he believed was right....and that to us is all that matters.
We all like to think that in certain situations we would act a certain way - but the truth is we cannot honestly say that we would definitely definitely do something.....you can't say you would run into a burning building to rescue someone, you can't say you would fight back if being attacked, you can't say you'd step in if you saw a crime being committed - you can't say that if worst came to worst and your partner hurt you badly that you wouldnt use your child to hurt them.....of course we'd like to all think we'd do the "right" thing - but what we should do and what we actually do are two very different things.
But what is the "right" thing? The "right" thing is not for onlookers to decide, the right thing to do is what you believe is the best for yourself and everyone involved no matter how wrong, or odd others think it is. Its nothing to do with people on the sidelines who offer their opinion. Everyone is entitled to make their own decisions and it hasn't got anything to do with people who have never experienced it, only hear what they want to hear and make very judgemental criticisms. You can't please everyone all of the time, and you will never receive 100% agreement with your decisions in life whatever they may be......but to judge and make snide comments on situations, or "worry" about things that you know nothing about to me is just wrong.
Maybe one day explanations will be asked for, the truth will be told and who knows where it will go from there....maybe that day will never come - but I know that we can always live with the fact that he did what he believed was right....and that to us is all that matters.
Monday, 2 June 2008
I've been so busy recently that I haven't had much time to think about it all on a day to day basis which is great as it means I am making progress - but now I find I am dreaming about it loads. Dreaming about the future and having them in our lives (The Connection) or dreaming about running cos IT is chasing me - more like nightmares really. I have looked up being chased in Dreams Analyse and is said the following:
"Usually, when you experience a dream in which you are being chased, the cause behind it is anxiety, stress, or pressure in your life.......Many people will have reoccurring chase dreams – often being chased by the same type of predator – whenever they feel stressed or anxious about something.........If you are experiencing chase dreams, it is your body’s natural way of telling you to slow down and find ways to alleviate the stress............Try to understand where the points of stress or pressure are and take any actions you can to ease those situations.................Easing your stressful situation or learning to cope with the pressure may help you rid yourself of chase dreams."
Well, easing the stressful situation isn't an option!!!!!!!! Nothing I can do about that - so learning to cope (as I am trying to!) I hope it will work. I suppose perhaps the dreams will stop/lessen in time. I suppose as I am making an effort to not think about it as much it has to have an outlet - so the outlet for now is my dreams.....which I can cope with I suppose - Just frustrating waking up in a sweat at 2am!! I'm normally someone who goes to sleep and doesnt wake up til the alarm!
Got a busy month ahead though and plenty to concentrate on - and starting to do more exercise as well so perhaps thats something else that will help with the stress!! And looking forward to spending some time with the inlaws later this month.
Life is really good - I really appreciate what I have in my life. There is one thing missing - but one day they will be here. Sometimes you just have to wait for them to come to you. In the meantime we keep on smiling, keep on doing what makes us happy, providing a good future for us, for our future children and one day for them......... Always thinking of them and loving them. Noone and nothing can change that and I don't care if people don't believe it or it makes them angry to think I love them - tough - I do love them. I know the truth and I'm not in denial about who stopped it.
"Usually, when you experience a dream in which you are being chased, the cause behind it is anxiety, stress, or pressure in your life.......Many people will have reoccurring chase dreams – often being chased by the same type of predator – whenever they feel stressed or anxious about something.........If you are experiencing chase dreams, it is your body’s natural way of telling you to slow down and find ways to alleviate the stress............Try to understand where the points of stress or pressure are and take any actions you can to ease those situations.................Easing your stressful situation or learning to cope with the pressure may help you rid yourself of chase dreams."
Well, easing the stressful situation isn't an option!!!!!!!! Nothing I can do about that - so learning to cope (as I am trying to!) I hope it will work. I suppose perhaps the dreams will stop/lessen in time. I suppose as I am making an effort to not think about it as much it has to have an outlet - so the outlet for now is my dreams.....which I can cope with I suppose - Just frustrating waking up in a sweat at 2am!! I'm normally someone who goes to sleep and doesnt wake up til the alarm!
Got a busy month ahead though and plenty to concentrate on - and starting to do more exercise as well so perhaps thats something else that will help with the stress!! And looking forward to spending some time with the inlaws later this month.
Life is really good - I really appreciate what I have in my life. There is one thing missing - but one day they will be here. Sometimes you just have to wait for them to come to you. In the meantime we keep on smiling, keep on doing what makes us happy, providing a good future for us, for our future children and one day for them......... Always thinking of them and loving them. Noone and nothing can change that and I don't care if people don't believe it or it makes them angry to think I love them - tough - I do love them. I know the truth and I'm not in denial about who stopped it.
Monday, 19 May 2008
I had a terrible dream last night. Was so weird cos I was in a row of houses in the village I used to live in and ended up trying to find refuge in the Vicarage...so weird..... The Hassle was trying to kill me -they had managed to burn me several times but was trying to kill me. My other half and my mum were running after us too trying to make them stop. I have no idea what made me dream this but it really shook me up again which is stupid cos its just a dream - woke up in a sweat and now all morning I have been thinking of it. Stupid I know.
Had a drunken conversation with my fiance after an amazing night out on Saturday. I told him how I wished things could be different and we could have the connection in our lives, and how much I loved the connection and no-one could ever stop me from loving them. He said he couldn't have asked for someone more understanding and more supportive to be with, and how he hoped the connection could one day meet us both and see how much they are loved by the rest of their family. We don't doubt that they are loved or being cared for properly, but it is sad that they are not allowed to have the rest of their family in their life, but they will never know what they are missing cos they have never had it.
I don't think I will ever stop thinking of the whole situation for the rest of my life, but I am definitely progressing in terms of how often I think about it and the way I think about it. I don't think worry as much anymore, although I must admit I am naughty - cos I know things are being looked at I do make comments intentionally......but never untrue comments or nasty comments or anything like that - just stuff about how good life is and stuff - which it is. I can honestly say that right now my life is almost perfect. The one thing missing I can't do anything about - but for now life is very very almost perfect.
xx
Had a drunken conversation with my fiance after an amazing night out on Saturday. I told him how I wished things could be different and we could have the connection in our lives, and how much I loved the connection and no-one could ever stop me from loving them. He said he couldn't have asked for someone more understanding and more supportive to be with, and how he hoped the connection could one day meet us both and see how much they are loved by the rest of their family. We don't doubt that they are loved or being cared for properly, but it is sad that they are not allowed to have the rest of their family in their life, but they will never know what they are missing cos they have never had it.
I don't think I will ever stop thinking of the whole situation for the rest of my life, but I am definitely progressing in terms of how often I think about it and the way I think about it. I don't think worry as much anymore, although I must admit I am naughty - cos I know things are being looked at I do make comments intentionally......but never untrue comments or nasty comments or anything like that - just stuff about how good life is and stuff - which it is. I can honestly say that right now my life is almost perfect. The one thing missing I can't do anything about - but for now life is very very almost perfect.
xx
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